la fin

the end~  I can't believe that it is finally time to end this chapter, that of voyaging, trying new activities and new food, intense soul-searching, and of course writing about all of it.  Although I shall continue most or all of those things on my own, this is the end of "findings of a future francophone." To those who have read some or all of the entries, THANK YOU.  I honestly didn't really expect to write this to be read; it was more of a way to guarantee to myself that I would record my personal journey.  But a million MERCIs and I NI CHEs to those of you who decided to come on this journey with me.

Looking back to my first entry, I am intrigued by how fulfilled my goals and expectations for this year abroad are.  I said that I wanted to find continuity and consistency in myself, that I was seeking vocation by throwing myself into a world where all of the variables change to find what is constant within that self.  Little did I realize, even while abroad, how much that would actually happen.  In France, I was so happy all the time that there was only so deep I would let my thoughts go...only so far into the negative recesses of myself I would wander.  In Mali, I was so beaten down by the experience that I couldn't even see how much  of my true self-good and bad- was being exposed.  But after 5 weeks at home, I am beginning to see emerge a balance that has never before existed in my life.  Of course, I will probably spend the rest of my existence passively discovering where all of the pieces of this experience fit, but there are a few things that I have concluded, and it is all I need to know for now:


  I am a girl who knows a lot less than she thought she did about the world before going abroad, but I am going to change that.  This experience already has begun the process.  I also love the French language more deeply than I ever thought possible, and I hope to use my new DALF C1 diploma in work or study later in life.  Running is my addiction and I could never live for an extended period in a place where pollution or cultural stigmas limit me from doing that.  I have been living my Christian faith superficially; I wear a band that says integrity on my wrist for a reason, and I am ready to dig deeper.  Never have I needed to trust in God as much as I needed to in Mali, and never have I had the kind of Christian community I had in France.  Both of those were essential steps in readying me for my next journey, a much deeper and less obvious one.  Sleep, silence, and prayer, ARE important, and I am finally ready to start valuing them truly rather than touting their importance and then being too "busy" for them all the time.  Focus is essential; sometimes you have to say no, and sometimes you have to make a decision rather than making a compromise.  I want to live my life being more environmentally conscious than ever; I never fully understood the negative power of trash until I saw it burning on the side of the street being eating by animals and dug through by women hoping to re-use plastic bottles.  I am quickly turning into a flexible vegetarian.  I understand anew the value of relationships-- especially family ones.  Finally, speaking of vocation, I still believe that medical school is right for me, but maybe just medical school.  There is always the possibility of doing an exchange in France during the second or third year if I do that!  But my first choice, for reasons I don't fully understand is Vanderbilt's medical school and divinity school (an amazing dual degree program).  


I urge you to go on with your own personal travels as I am, finding an environment and your own inner strength to hold onto hope; without it, all is darkness.  After all, "hope is the wedding of two freedoms, human and divine, in the acceptance of a love that is at once a promise and the beginning of fulfillment." ~Thomas Merton.


But that is another journey altogether.  Again, thank you for traveling with me on this one.

FIN